TWO SHIPS THAT PASS IN THE NIGHT
by James Rumpel

 
THE PLUCKY HAD a crew of nearly two hundred. It was the largest ship in the fleet. We were fairly certain it was the largest ship in the universe. That theory was obliterated when we happened upon the alien vessel. It was huge. A dozen Pluckys could have fit inside.

We tried to hail the vessel but were unable to get a response to any frequency, light pattern, or fancy manoeuvre. The captain even had the Plucky do a couple of barrel rolls. Nothing.

Finally, after forty-eight hours, the alien ship sent over an unmanned drone containing all sorts of equipment and other paraphernalia designed to help us learn their language. We quickly reciprocated, sending videos, pictures, a dictionary, and a thesaurus. We even sent that record that was originally on the Voyager probe.

Three days later Captain Lane called me into her chambers.

‘So, how are you doing? Have you figured out their language yet?’

‘It’s not that easy,’ I replied. ‘You can’t just stick a fish in your ear and understand everything.’

‘Don’t get so defensive,’ said the captain. ‘I just asked how things were going.’

I sighed and apologized. ‘I’m sorry. I’m pretty frustrated. This is proving to be incredibly difficult. First, we had a very tough time finding any way to access the information they sent over. None of the platforms they sent work on any of our technology. Finally, we got some of their stuff up and running using something similar to a Betamax player.’

The captain sat there, staring, her arms across her chest.

‘Once we were able to start working on their language, we found out how difficult it is. Their words are little more than grunts and snorts. Everything sounds the same, with only slight fluctuations in tone or volume. Even worse, their language is also visual. Many words are accompanied by blinking or specific hand movements. We’ve only been able to develop a rudimentary understanding.’

‘I don’t understand,’ said Captain Lane. ‘If their language is visual, how do they send audio or written messages?’

‘They don’t send audio, only video. As far as the written word goes, many of the words look identical except for the angle on the page or the font. It’s all very confusing. I’m going to need months to figure this thing out.’

‘You don’t have months,’ announced the captain. ‘We received a ship-to-ship message from them this morning. They seem to have figured out how to use our frequencies.’ She flicked a switch and an image appeared on the screen above her desk.

The alien figure looked like the ones I had been observing on tape. It was humanoid though it would never be mistaken for a human. Its body was nearly as wide as it was tall. A tiny head sat atop a square torso. The creature’s face featured a pair of conical-shaped ears and two beady eyes that were set on either side of a large, pig-like snout. Below the snout was a toothless mouth. Two long, muscular arms extended from each shoulder. The alien wore a dark red shirt with some sort of insignia emblazoned across its entire chest. It was seated at a table so I couldn’t see its legs but I knew from the videos that its legs would be short and muscular.

The captain pushed the ‘play’ button and the figure on the screen began moving. The creature stuck a long, thin finger in each ear and began wiggling the rest. It then spoke. It was a challenge to understand the words through its guttural accent but it clearly said, ‘Us boat assemble.’

‘What does that even mean?’ asked Captain Lane.

‘Maybe they’re building a boat,’ I suggested. ‘Or, boat could mean ship.’

‘Why would they send us a message saying they’re building a ship?’

‘I don’t know,’ I replied. ‘Let me think. Maybe assemble doesn’t mean build but means meet. I bet they are asking us to meet them on their ship.’

‘Okay, that makes sense.’ The captain took a deep breath. ‘I’ll have a shuttle prepared. You and a couple of your assistants can go over there and begin talking.’

I shook my head. ‘We can’t do that. I don’t understand their language even close to well enough to communicate with them.’

‘They think they understand ours well enough.’

‘Do they though?’ I asked. ‘I mean, is “us boat assemble” really understanding?’

‘You’re going and don’t screw up. After all, you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.’

 

We were clad in full environmental suits when we emerged from our shuttle in the alien craft’s landing bay. A quick check showed that the atmosphere was breathable, though it did have a higher concentration of helium than we are accustomed to.

A contingent of four aliens met us.

I removed my helmet and made my best attempt at saying ‘Hello’ in their language. ‘Gerp.’ I made sure to pop the p as much as I could.

The welcoming committee stood in silence, though one of them stuck its finger in its nose.

Their apparent leader said, ‘Chase,’ and began walking.

Not sure what else to do, we followed.

We were led to a large room with an oval table in the centre. One side of the table had five odd-shaped chairs. Each had a tripod for a base, a flat surface, and two stirrups. The opposite side had a set of more traditional chairs though they seemed to be hastily constructed and poorly designed.

I moved to the middle chair on that side and sat down, noticing that one of the legs was way too short. The chair rocked back and forth as I settled in. My staff followed suit and the aliens took their seats.

I pointed to myself and said ‘Commander Vought.’

My alien counterpart took out a small device and tapped on it a couple of times. He or she then pointed to his or herself and said ‘Gerrp Grerp.’

We sat in silence for almost a minute, waiting for one side or the other to continue the talks.

Finally, the alien lead negotiator looked at us and said, ‘Eat piss.’

I looked at my second in command, Lieutenant Cryer. She spread her arms and shrugged. Immediately, two of the aliens jumped to their feet and left the room. They came back a short time later, carrying a tray of metal glasses. They set a glass in front of each of us and each of them.

Cryer leaned over to me and whispered. I noticed her voice was a tad higher than usual. ‘Maybe “eat piss” means “do you want a drink of water.” I can see how they could get to that point.’

I, very tentatively, sniffed the liquid inside the glass before setting it back down. Cryer, on the other hand, took a small sip. She smiled and took a larger gulp.

The alien spoke again, ‘Calm us comb fresh orb bide.’

This time I looked at Cryer and shrugged.

The alien mimicked our shrug and said, ‘Quality, you make out.’

This was getting us nowhere. I tried to say, ‘We need more time to figure out languages.’ ‘Gperp Greep Geppre Pgerg Grepre.’ I made sure to flap my arms during the first word and roll my eyes during the last one.

All five of the aliens, immediately, stuck their fingers in their noses.

I looked to Lieutenant Cryer. ‘You try.’

She started to make her attempt. ‘Gperp Greep Geppre . . .’ Suddenly she let out a long, loud burp.

Suddenly, all hell broke loose. The table was tossed aside like a used napkin. The aliens grabbed us, easily lifting us off the ground. The leader shook me and yelled, ‘Me fruit drink Commander Vought.’

‘Grep Gerp Gerrp Grerp!’ yelled a new voice. Instantly, the altercation stopped and we were all set down, though the aliens continued to hold on to us.

 

The next thing I knew, we were all carried to some sort of holding cell.

We sat there for over an hour.

‘I’m sorry, Commander,’ said Cryer. ‘I must have said something that really upset them.’

‘It’s okay, Lieutenant,’ I replied. ‘It’s not like we were getting anywhere anyhow. They can’t speak our language and we, definitely, can’t speak theirs.’

‘What are we going to do?’ she asked.

‘Maybe we’re going about this the wrong way,’ I said. ‘Maybe we should try speaking to them in their version of our language.’

‘I don’t get it.’

‘They seem to have a hard time with all the synonyms and multiple meanings of our words. I think we could come up with a way to apologize for our mistake by speaking our language by making their errors.’

Cryer smiled, ‘Me glimpse.’

‘Exactly . . . I mean, accuracy.’

 

When the aliens returned, they each were carrying some sort of sword. Their leader pointed at me and said, ‘Genuflect.’

‘Loiter,’ I shouted. ‘Me misprint. Me contrite. Me beseech clemency.’

Most of the aliens picked their noses, but the leader paused. He or she took out the same device from earlier and, once again, tapped a few buttons.

The leader set aside the sword and shrugged.

‘What now?’ whispered Cryer.

‘I think we’re going to be okay,’ I whispered back. ‘I’m pretty sure they think shrugging means yes.’

 

We were allowed to return to our ship and Captain Lane, once again, called me to her office.

‘What exactly went on over there?’ she asked.

I was about to begin to give a full report when the intercom buzzed.

‘Captain,’ said the voice of the bridge officer, ‘the alien ship just left.’

‘Well, follow them.’

‘We can’t. They jumped into some sort of hyperspace or something. I mean, one minute they were there and the next they were gone. We can’t find them anywhere on any of the long-range sensors.’

Captain Lane turned toward me. There was no mistaking the anger in her expression. ‘What the hell did you do?’

Before I could answer, the com sounded once again.

‘Captain, the aliens must have sent some sort of delayed message before they left. We just got it now.’

‘Put it on my screen.’

Once again, an alien officer’s image appeared. ‘Contrite. This thrive averse. Subsequently.’

The image disappeared.

‘What in the world did that mean?’ asked Captain Lane. Her face was a shade of red I have never seen before.

I started to shrug but stopped and put my finger in my nose.

 



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