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By EW Farnsworth
THE ORGANIZERS OF the Olympics of the Mind discovered they were busier after the contests than during the height of their preparations for them. Dr. Prbzt, particularly, wanted to be sure that every medal, cash award and certificate was properly inscribed and delivered to its awardee. One thousand such were arranged and checked against the published master awards lists.
The tabloid publishers recorded the philologist’s progress with glee, while continuing to probe the solutions presented for previously ‘unsolvable’ problems. They naturally had to use university professors as their sources for this laborious process as maths skills among the news hounds were scanty if they existed at all.
Especially interesting for the likes of Crenshaw and Straight were allegations of favouritism during the games. Sheriff Millstone applauded attempts by the press to audit and confirm the results though, in the end, no such evidence of wrong doing was found to be substantial.
The PM, who had staked his reputation on the outcomes of this Olympics of the Mind project, also cautioned the adjudicators from rushing to judgment. His aim was an historic final awards list, to be published in the records of Parliament. The entire membership of the Transparency Party was on tenterhooks until that essential task was accomplished.
Meanwhile, the cumulative results contained inevitable surprises. Many contestants who placed amongst the top one hundred contestants were not formerly considered gifted in quantitative skills. For those underappreciated maths geniuses, the Olympics results literally changed the course of lives.
No longer could some ‘hide their lights under the proverbial bushel.’ Naturally, more was now to be expected of these gifted men and women. Some were seasoned civil servants who had been passed over for advancement. These were duly promoted with letters of appreciation.
The nation’s colleges and universities took notice of the results, and maths professors quietly gathered to redesign examinations to accommodate the new meritocratic standards. Future students could expect more rigorous exams, and those who passed the earlier exams now had to face cries for them to be re-examined, with placements to be adjusted accordingly.
The pictures of the gold, silver and bronze medallists in the competition confirmed the primacy of alien human hybrids with tentacles. Throughout the nation, approbation grew for alien human hybrids, who all stood a little taller for this unanticipated recognition. Afterwards, the tabloid cartoonists might attempt to ridicule those sporting tentacles, but the ‘proofs of their puissant prowess,’ as Crenshaw wrote with alliterative panache, ‘were indisputable.’
Dr. Prbzt and his wife Trudy continued refining the wedding lists while they were simultaneously compiling the awards lists. Discussing the wedding with Fatty and Sarah in the hot tub each evening, they reported continual daily progress until they could do no more to improve the lists than they already had done.
‘Sheriff,’ said Dr. Prbzt, ‘we have completed our lists with ten days to spare. Tomorrow morning, we shall deliver the wedding lists to you and Sarah and the awards lists to you to forward to the PM. Then we shall shift our operations to delivery of colour coded wedding tickets on the one hand and delivery of the Olympics prizes on the other.’
Hearing this good news, Sarah clapped her hands and tentacles in delight as if she were a giddy schoolgirl again.
‘We could not be more pleased, Ibngort and Trudy! Thank you for all your hard work. We are very grateful. In fact, things are coming together nicely for the other arrangements for our wedding. Though some details are still a secret, I can divulge that the dresses for the Bride, Maid of Honour and Bride’s Maids will be ready for final fitting tomorrow and for delivery three days after that.’
Dr. Prbzt smiled. ‘That’s well, as the Groom’s and Best Man’s attire will be ready for final fitting at the tailor’s shop on Picklock Lane the day after tomorrow.
‘Meanwhile, the wedding cake will receive its topmost floral decorations the day before the wedding. In the park, we shall have sheet cakes for the multitudes and children to shoo Dolly the cow away from the serving table. We will not have a repeat performance of Dolly licking off the floral decorations as if they were real flowers of the meadow.’
The sheriff said, ‘I have checked with the PM about preparations at the Hudibras Estate, and he told me his people will be wearing their new livery.
‘Then too, the park’s groundskeepers will be ready for the photographers the afternoon after the wedding.
‘And the Cracked Bell pub will be ready to receive celebrants at ten o’clock in the morning of the wedding with sufficient bitter to last until closing time.
‘As nearly all of the waitresses working at the pub will be bridesmaids, the tapster has hired temporaries for the twenty four hours on either side of the wedding hour. Since the young temps will be informally auditioning for permanent positions at the Cracked Bell, they will surely be on their toes.’
Sarah said, ‘I have been collating the RSVP responses for my family members and my deceased husband’s family as well. One hundred guests of all ages will be present on the bride’s side of the aisle.’
‘Marvellous, Sarah! I have been looking forward to meeting your family, and a wedding is far more fitting than a funeral for our becoming acquainted.
‘You are fortunate to have become acquainted with my clones here in the tenement. Between the wedding party and the security detail, all the clones will be participating in our wedding programme. For balance, the PM and his secretaries, the Magistrate, the other sheriffs, MPs and members of the press will sit on my side of the aisle.’
‘Oh, Fatty, I finally feel as if our marriage is actually going to happen!’ Her eyes filled with tears of gratitude.
‘This is no time to weep, My Dearest Love! Rain or shine, our marital vows will be said as we have long planned.’
‘Just so you know, I have inserted a meeting the day after our wedding with my relatives to explain our prenuptial agreement in detail. They have a general knowledge of it, but questions have been raised.’
Millstone’s face showed his discomfort at this news. ‘I sincerely hope your family does not expect to become enriched by your marriage.’
‘You know how some people are. When my former husband passed, his relatives descended to challenge his last will and testament. It was the Marquis’ providential thinking about the terms of his estate and the wording of his trusts that saved me endless litigation and put me in position to fund our space medicine centre without undue encumbrances.’
‘I shall honour your wishes in all things, but if you find you have recalcitrant relatives or greedy supplicants to deal with ...’
Sarah’s brow furrowed. Money was the last thing she wanted to consider as she entered the holy state of matrimony for the second time in her life.
To change the subject, Trudy smiled and asked, ‘Sheriff, how many pickpockets do you think will fill the gaol during the festivities?’
The sheriff laughed out loud. ‘I am counting on fifty malefactors, Trudy, but I am ready to accommodate more as necessary in five temporary gaols that will be delivered tomorrow at the apiary on the hill.
‘Fully half of my clones will be milling through the crowds to apprehend cut purses and rowdy drunkards.’
‘It is a good thing we put those three alien assassins on the last spaceship for redistribution,’ Dr. Prbzt said.
Fatty nodded in agreement. ‘I feel as if they were the symbols of misrule which had to be dispelled to make way for the happy times to come. I only hope we have seen the last of such horrific visitations from the Council.’
Dr. Prbzt said, ‘Speaking of the Council, I have drawn up your exchange of vows in the Old Universal Language as specified for marital ceremonies in the ancient laws and customs. The witnesses to the ceremonies do not need to know how to translate those intimate promises, but they are binding beyond the confines of Earth.’
‘I do hope a suitable translation will be available for the PM and his secretaries.’
‘To be sure, I shall make a personally inscribed copy of the translation for the PM.’
‘Are there any other details for us to consider tonight, Best Man?’
‘I have compiled a list of all those things we must do right up until the exchange of vows. If I need your actions, I will ask for them in due course.’
The next morning, Dr. Prbzt delivered the lists he had promised—the awards list to the sheriff for forwarding to the PM and the wedding list to the sheriff and his bride for instant approval.
At the Cracked Bell pub, Millstone handed the awards list to the PM’s amanuensis. So that the press could make no mistake about the situation, he made it explicit the press had been given no knowledge of the contents of the list pending the PM’s formal review and approval.
The amanuensis said, ‘This delivery is timely as the PM will review it this morning and read its contents to Parliament this afternoon. Publication in the Parliamentary Record will follow the reading, and the press will receive a copy as part of a formal release.’ He took the list straightaway to his master for perusal.
Crenshaw and Straight, who were present in the pub and heard what was said, were annoyed not to have received advance copies of the awards list, but neither had been given preference and that pleased both newsmen.
The wedding list was also ready for delivery to the sheriff, and with that list in hand he left the pub to share it with Sarah. She and her entourage were at the dressmaker’s shop where the sheriff was not permitted to see her in her wedding dress. He left the list with Trudy to share with his bride as soon as possible.
‘Dr. Pickford will have to approve the wedding list before we can begin to distribute the colour coded tickets.’
‘Fear not, Sheriff! She will scrutinize the list and give back the approved version to you before midafternoon. That’s what she told me to tell you.’
Though he could not see his wife’s wedding dress, he did see her Maid of Honour’s dress, and he was most pleased. Against a white background of immaculate satin were embroidered flowers in summery bouquets. In the fitting room were two dozen ladies in waiting with identical outfits.
Millstone walked down the street to the tailor’s office to check on the status of his own costume. There he found Dr. Prbzt being fitted, and the two importuned the tailor to make room in his schedule to do the fitting for the Groom as well.
‘Having given the awards list to the PM’s amanuensis and the wedding list to Trudy to forward to Sarah, I feel I have done much good service today. Your wife told me she would have the approved wedding list back to me by midafternoon.’
‘We are on schedule, Sheriff. Your clones have prepared the colour coded tickets in the appropriate numbers. They will be checked against the approved wedding list and mailed by late afternoon today.’
The sheriff smiled. ‘I suppose tomorrow the complaints will be rolling in.’
The philologist smiled in return. ‘You cannot please everyone!’
‘No. And no offence has been intended. Besides, we can correct any problems as we have four days left before the wedding.’
The tailor completed their fittings, and the doctor and sheriff walked back through the park to the tenement. The clones who were to be fitted today were about to depart for the tailor’s and the dressmaker’s, and the sheriff wished them well. ‘Everyone should be ready to jump right on distributing the wedding tickets this afternoon after you return.’
‘If we have an hour or two to spare, let me rehearse you for your wedding vows. The Old Universal Language has a few nuances, but they are easily mastered. When she returns from her fitting this evening, I shall instruct Sarah in her vows too. Tomorrow morning, you will receive your translation for the MP. If he decides on having the original text as well, I can provide that too. There is no speaking role for him, unfortunately, as the old ritual was a binding agreement between spouses.’
Millstone was a quick study at languages, so all it took was a dry run and a repeat for him to master his vows. He had questions, but Dr. Prbzt was the perfect tutor and mentor though, to be sure, he was not a priest. The formula was the same Dr. Prbzt and his bride Trudy had used in their wedding ceremony. It was eloquent, brief and to the point.
That evening in the hot tub, Fatty heard his bride rehearsing her vows with both Prbzts assisting. She was letter perfect by the time she was ready to retire. He could tell she was exhausted by her day’s schedule, but the clones had completed addressing and mailing the wedding tickets. When he thought about his own accomplishments of the day, he realized most of the ‘heavy lifting’ had been accomplished—well ahead of schedule.
The next morning at the Cracked Bell pub, rumours abounded that the wedding tickets had been mailed. Now everyone was waiting for his or her invitation to arrive. What better way to pass the time than to lift a few pints at the Cracked Bell pub? The philologist and the sheriff sat at the sheriff’s table at the back of the pub as they told tales of other weddings they had witnessed.
The most flagrant observance at a wedding they had both attended was that of the artist and the waitress where Dolly the cow licked the flower decorations from the top of the wedding cake. That eventuality had been ruled out from the sheriff’s wedding—at least he hoped so. The sheriff’s only caution was the number of miscreants his gaols might accommodate.
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