Chapter 3.

You know, kissing is a gentle art-form; an art that needs to be studied a bit. Some people put it just down to technique; others regard it as a short-cut to fucking. Now me, I have a different view. It’s a stand-alone sexual pleasure as well. Like masturbating. See, a woman—well, most women anyway—want a bit of love with the sex. Now, don’t get me wrong, there’s plenty of women who just want uncomplicated, give-it-to-me sex! And why not? Nothing wrong in it. Except. Except that most women want a bit of tenderness at some point. Sometimes not a lot. Just a bit. You can bang ‘em bandy later. Be remorseless with it even. But a bit of a kiss is a good entrée. Kissing is how you give them the big bazooka! But funny thing is, most guys don’t know how to kiss. Haven’t got a clue. They think they do. They’d swear on their mother’s graves. 

Now Vampires can kiss! So let me give you some tips: kissing should start slow and soft. It should have some promise to it at the beginning. It should suggest deeper and more erotic pleasures. Get what I’m saying? Suggest. Promise. Allude. So this Vampire is not straight in there with the tongue. Oh no! So brush her lips tenderly. Whisper her name once and then again, say, for good measure. Don’t forget your hands. That’s another thing. A good kiss is a combination of actions. So just flirt a little with her hair as you start the kissing. Again be soft and sensual. Don’t hurry it. Use your fingers lightly on the back of her neck, brushing it with your fingernails—she’ll love that shit! Feel her hips gently. Squeeze a little. Let her feel you like them. All the time kiss softly, slowly. Don’t hurry. Occasionally break away for a second and look meaningfully into her eyes and then continue. But don’t make the break too long—that’s important. So remember it, OKAY? Now gradually turn the heat up. Make the contact between your lips and hers stronger. Pull her to you so that you have full-frontal contact. Start breathing a little harder. Now use the tongue. Search for her tongue. Make it eager but not urgent. That’ll come later. Start to run your fingers up through her hair. Let her hair fall back down. Be impatient but not rough. Let her feel your passion rising. But don’t get too in front of the ball here! Take your time. No rush. By now she should be responding nicely. Again momentary break away, eye contact, whisper name, kiss again. Build the intensity until you can feel her boil. And now The Full-On Kiss (FOK). You take the back of her head and you pull her firmly to your mouth. Squeeze the back of her head a little as you do it. Make it seem like you’re talking to her with your fingers when you do, know what I mean? Make it feel like you’re talking Urgent here! Use your tongue harder. At this point don’t be shy. Move your hand up from hip to round her back, so it’s a full embrace (FE). Remember: Full-On Kiss = Full Embrace. Just keep it coming. Then start Last Phase Operations (LPO). This is where you start some touching as you kiss. I usually go for the stomach first. Move the hand there and just squeeze a little. Let it linger. Why the stomach first? It’s because women carry children in there. You’re signalling meaningful sex to them. Keep kissing. Here’s another good tip: increase the rate of breathing. Then move to her breasts. Again, be gentle and build the intensity. Make your lips and tongue work harder as well. Then gradually move you hand down her body to between her legs. Cop a feel! Why not? At this point she’s ready for the oven with a good stuffing. Then break the kiss! Move down to her neck whispering her name as you do. Kiss there gently. Mutter some inane words like “God, I want you, do you know that?” Anything actually. Bite hard and dine well...

So, I’m in this bar and I’ve got a woman in my sights. She’s well-dressed, good body-type, and I can smell her. Yes, Vampires can smell a woman’s menses from about twenty city blocks. More actually. And she’s on heat like a good ‘un. A stupid term for a woman that usually doesn’t want sex at all at that time of the month. Or can’t conceive anyway. Who thought up that stupid line? On heat? Not me! Some men, now they won’t go near a menstruating woman. Me? I love it. So I sidle over and let her see me. Well, yahda, yahda, yahda, and chat, chat, chat... It’s easy. For a Vampire. But she needs something else. I know! A kiss. LOLOL. So I hesitantly, at first, (it’s all a game!) reach down for her mouth and brush my lips against hers. Oh, it’s soft. It’s sensual. It’s inviting. It’s irresistible. It’s fucking fantastic! Well it would be wouldn’t it? I’m a Vampire! None of this tongue trust straight down your throat without warning. And we have a surprising length of tongue. Alarming. And no cigarette breathe either. No over-eagerness. Oh no. Cool as cooler this Vampiro. Now warm up the pace a little. Just ever so slightly. Let her feel the desire, even if it’s fake. Even if you do only want to suck her blood. Be generous. It costs little and pays dividends. It’s the work of a moment. Then a joke to follow. Get her laughing as well. So I say, 

“Why was John Lennon’s wife called Yoko Ono? Because when John introduced her to the other Beatles they all looked at her and said, ‘Oh no!” LOLOL from her. See, it’s easy. 

And that’s what I mean: know your target. Sense what she wants, give it to her. Vampires aren’t shy. They’re sexy! Is it a game? Could be. Do you get played as often as you play them? Possibly. Was it a game with Julie? Fuck knows! Who cares? Not me. Much. So now she’s mine for the night, and I intend to make—excuse the pun—a meal of it!


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